Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
