That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
