Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
