ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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