i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
