Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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