My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
