I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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