just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she looked like the before picture.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
