It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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