And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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