I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
