Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
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I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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