i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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