You're earring is so big in my mouth
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
