I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
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