My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
