Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
