I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
