allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
