I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
