I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
