My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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