Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
