I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
