I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
