At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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