Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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