I just cut my nipple shaving
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
false alarm, still single
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
