the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
