Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
