My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
