I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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