i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
is wine microwaveable?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
