Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
