She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
