Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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