Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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