I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
