I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
