I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
