She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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