I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
