I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
