I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
