you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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