Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
