Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
