If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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