I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
