Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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