Cold hands, warm shart.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
