Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
