she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
