I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You took a bar mat shot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight