Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP