I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
