She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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