So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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